December 2010HUMORSMS Jokes 2010

SMS Jokes 149

oOo

A male census taker rang the doorbell and was greeted by a naked woman.
“Don’t be embarrassed, I’m a nudist,” she said.
Although alarmed, he proceeded to ask routine questions.
“How many children do you have?” he asked.
“Nineteen,” the woman replied.
“Nineteen?” he said. “Lady, you’re not a nudist – you just don’t have time to get dressed!”

oOo

The science teacher asked her class. “Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?”
Jimmy raised his hand and said, “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette.”
Jenny raised her hand and said, “I would want platinum, because it is worth more than gold and I could buy a Ferrari.”
Johnny stood up and said, “I would want silicone.”
The teacher asked, “Silicone? Why silicone?”
Johnny said, “Because my Mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!”

oOo

GIRL: I have committed a great sin. I called a boy a bastard.
PSYCHIATRIST: That’s not a nice thing to say. What did he do to you?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean, like this?
GIRL: Yes.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well, that’s no reason to call him a bastard.
GIRL: But he put his hand inside my bra.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean, like this?
GIRL: Yes.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well, that’s no reason to call him a bastard.
GIRL: But he took off my clothes.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean, like this?
GIRL: Yes.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well, that’s no reason to call him a bastard.
GIRL: But he had sex with me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean, like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well, that’s no reason to call him a bastard.
GIRL: But he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: The bastard!

oOo

The groom-to-be said: “I’m not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not.”
His friend said: “There’s an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint, and a shovel. You paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. On your honeymoon,
if she laughs and says, “Those are the funniest balls I’ve ever seen,” you hit her with the shovel!”

oOo

Two strangers approached each other from opposite directions in the street, each dragging their left legs.
Glancing and then pointing to his leg, one man said: “Vietnam, 1969.”
The other said: “Dog poo, about a block away.”

oOo

Jack and Jill went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed Jill’s ass,
Now his two front teeth are missing.

oOo

Wife: “Why don’t you ever call out my name when we’re making love?
Husband: “Because I don’t want to wake you.”

oOo

Peter was called over by the lifeguard at the swimming pool.
“You’re not allowed to pee in the pool,” said the lifeguard. “You’re going to have to leave.”
“But everyone pees in the pool,” protested Peter.
“Maybe,” said the lifeguard. “But not from the diving board.”

oOo

** All of the above JOKES courtesy of KUPS 😀

oOo
In a long Engagement and Marriage, who benefited the most?

Boy?
No!

Girl?
No!

It’s the Mobile Phone Company!

oOo

Our present world has so many problems that if Moses were to come down from Mt. Sinai today he would be carrying two tablets…
TYLENOL and VALIUM!

oOo

New generation kids will learn their alphabets in a designer fashion :
A 4 Armani
B 4 Burberry
C 4 Chanel
D 4 Dior
E 4 Ed Hardy
F 4 Fendi
G 4 Gucci
H 4 Hermes
I for Iceberg
J 4 Jean Paul Gaultier
K 4 Karl Lagerfeld
L 4 Louis Vuitton
M 4 Manolo Blahnik
N 4 Nina Ricci
O 4 Oscar De La Renta

P 4 Prada
Q 4 McQueen
R 4 Ralph Lauren
S 4 Salvatore Ferragamo
T 4 Tods
U 4 Ungaro
V 4 Versace
W 4 Wolfgang Joop
X 4 2-Xist
Y 4 Yves St. Laurent
Z 4 Zegna

oOo

A gal was walking down the street with shower caps on her tits.
Guy asks, “Hey, what’s with the shower caps?”
“Shower caps?” she replies, “These are booby condoms!”

oOo

A man on the electric chair. Warden was about to pull the switch when the guy gets hiccups.
WARDEN: do you have any last request?
MAN: Hic! Yeah. Hic! Hic! Could you please do something to scare me? Hic! Hic! Hic!

oOo

Painter Vincent Van Gogh had a large family. Here’s a list of the lesser known ones…
The grandpa who went to Yugoslavia… U. Gogh
The sis who wore a mini skirt to dance in bars… Go Gogh
The brod who ate prunes… Gotta Gogh
The dizzy aunt… Verti Gogh
Aunt who was a good dancer… Tan Gogh
The cousin who moved to Mexico… Amee Gogh

oOo

There was a guy who got married and decided to get a tattoo on his dick. The tattoo read, “I LOVE YOU.”
A couple of days later the wife tells him she wants a divorce and he asks why.
She replied your putting words in my mouth.

oOo

** The rest of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE. 😀

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A single mom to Kevin and Keziah. Sang's bestfriend. Young, Fresh and Delicious. Lol! Blogging since 2005.

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